|
This page tackles some of the issues that are rarely talked about, yet have a huge impact on almost all male survivors, and if left unsaid and sorted out, can stop them from recovering fully, leaving a residue of bad feelings and fears behind. Some of the things that can trigger you off and leave you feeling as if you're back at the point of being abused are as follows The smell of others, especially aftershave or other body smells, can cause you to flashback and trigger bad memories Many male survivors state that when having sex with a partner, that they feel dirty, and unclean once they have reached ejaculation, and this is connected to the sight, feel and sensation of seeing their semen, which reminds them of being abused, and that alone can ruin any sexual relationships they may have. You may also feel wrong, bad and dirty, so will need to bathe often, usually after having sex with partners, and if masturbating, will only do so as a function, not for pleasure, because the sensation and good feelings have been taken away and you're left feeling dirty and 'wrong' again. There's also the fact that you can get obsessed with wanking, not just once a day, but several times a day, which can increase when you feel stressed, lonely, screwed up, etc. Many male survivors hide behind the fact that they remain non sexual, and in doing so, are not seen as being sexual beings Others eat, drink, misuse drugs to stop people getting too close to them. By taking on the work thats needed, you can remove the ghosts of the past and can regain control of your life Male Survivors share many of the same feelings of female sexual assault survivors. Common feelings such as; Being in your body * Do you feel at home in your body?
Emotions * Do you feel out of control of your feelings?
Relationships * What's your expectations of your partner in a relationship?
Self-Confidence * Do you find it difficult to love yourself?
Sexuality * Do you enjoy sex, really enjoy it?
Major Sexual Symptoms of Sexual Abuse 1. Difficulties in becoming aroused and feeling sensations
Listed below are some of the current effects that sexual abuse, and after-effects it has upon a male Survivor.
Nightmares, (Intense, violent, sexual) - A real fear that everyone is a potential attacker.
Intense shame. - Intense anger. - Intense guilt. - Fear in expressing anger/difficulties in being angry.
A need to be in control. - A need to pretend they are not in control.
A fear of being seen/fear of exposure.- Running away from people/situations.
A fear of intimacy. - "Avoidism". - Memories of physical pain. - Intense sexual flashbacks.
Intruding thoughts. - Sexual dysfunction. - Asexual feelings. - Feeling unreal. - Self doubt. - Jealousy. - Envy.
Sexual acting out. - Fear of men. - Fear of women. - Fear of speaking out. - Inability to relax.
Disconnection with feelings. - Feeling alone. - Poor choice of partners. - "Out of body" experiences.
Linking abuse to love. - Keeping secrets. - Forgetting childhood experiences. - Detached from reality.
Inability to comfort their children. - Feeling inadequate. - Unable to accept compliments. - Low self esteem.
Isolation. - Addictions/crime. - No emotions. - Fear of others motives. - Inability to say no. - Fear of rules.
COMMON REACTIONS TO SEXUAL ABUSE/RAPE
There is great denial of the fact that men are sexually abused. Other than in prisons, most of us don't ever hear about the topic of male sexual abuse. The need to deny is often deeply rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimised, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." Another related 'belief' is that men can't be forced into sex.
These mistaken beliefs allow many men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual abuse as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor of sexual abuse. These 'beliefs' leave the male survivor feeling isolated and ashamed.
Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors do experience:
For most men the idea of being a victim is extremely hard to handle. Boys are raised to believe that they should be able to defend themselves against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect.
How many movies or TV shows depict the hero prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Surely then, men are supposed to fight to the death over something like unwanted sexual advances...right?
These beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in many men and lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual abuse.
Some male survivors even question whether they deserved to be sexually abused because, as they think that they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors see their assault as a loss of manhood and feel disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back." These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them are not true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive--there's nothing un-masculine about that."
As a result of guilt, shame or anger some men may punish themselves by exhibiting self-destructive behaviour after being sexually abused. For some men, this means increased alcohol or drug use.
For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Some men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated.
Male survivors may also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually abused. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the abuse, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time, so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.
For heterosexual men, sexual abuse almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their sexuality. Since many believe that only gay men are sexually abused, a heterosexual survivor may believe that he must be gay or that he will become gay. Furthermore, abusers often accuse their victims of enjoying the sexual abuse, leading some survivors to question their own experiences.
Being sexually abused has nothing to do with sexual orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a result of being sexually abused.
However, there are certain issues that are different for men:
No matter what is said or done, no one "asks for" or deserves to be assaulted.
Sexual abuse/rape is nothing to do with someone's present or future sexual orientation.
Sexual abuse comes from violence and power, nothing less.
Unfortunately, the health profession are reluctant to recognise that men can be sexually assaulted.
This attitude, combined with ignorance affects the way they treat men who have been raped/sexually abused, often using a stereotyped view of masculinity, rather than focus on the physical assault, the crime becomes the focus of the medical exam or police investigation.
All too often, they feel forced to make statements or act against their abusers, without having had the time and space to think it through.
I never advocate they prosecute their abusers, I suggest they perhaps begin their personal journey to recover from the traumas they are left with.
It doesn't have to be this way though, you can overcome the issues listed and can recover.
Just in case you need a reminder;
1. Working with male survivors since 1986.
* Do you feel comfortable expressing yourself sexually with another?
* Do you feel that you are a part of your body or does your body feel like a separate entity?
* Have you ever intentionally and physically hurt yourself?
* Do you find it difficult to listen to your body?
* Do you feel you sometimes don't understand all the feelings you are experiencing?
* Are you overwhelmed by the wide range of feelings you have?
* Find it too easy to trust others?
* Find it too hard to trust anyone?
* Find it difficult in making commitments?
* Still feel alone, even though in a relationship?
* Is it hard for you to allow others to get close to you?
* Are you in a relationship with some-one who remind's you of the abuse, or who is no good for you?
* Do you have a hard time accepting yourself?
* Are you ashamed of yourself?
* Do you have expectations of yourself that aren't realistic?
* Do you find it difficult to express yourself sexually?
* Do you find yourself using sex to get close to someone?
* End up having sex because it's expected of you?
* Does sex make you feel dirty?
* Are you "present" during sex?
2. Sex feels like an obligation
3. Sexual thoughts and images that are disturbing
4. Inappropriate sexual behaviors or sexual compulsivity
5. Inability to achieve orgasm or other orgasmic difficulties
6. Erection problems or ejaculatory difficulty
7. Feeling dissociated while having sex
8. Detachment or emotional distance while having sex
9. Being afraid of sex or avoiding sex
10. Guilt, fear, anger, disgust or other negative feelings when being touched
EXISTING EFFECTS ON MALE SURVIVORS.
UNIQUE ISSUES FACED BY MALE SURVIVORS
This also includes the Police Forces, though that is slowly improving at last
WHAT YOU CAN DO
All views expressed on this site has been taken from many years experience, and gathered from varying sources;
2. Working since 1991, doing group therapy, one to one counselling, and prison support work, for Survivors Swindon.
3. Working since 1994, as alcohol/drugs therapist in a Rehab centre and also running a Drugs Programme.
4. A qualified counsellor.
5. I am a survivor and thriver of child sexual abuse/rape.